Sooo.....

...I got nothin'.

This is harder than I thought! I really do feel that besides funny things my kid does, my blog entries should be profound and thought-provoking. It's self-inflicted. Some personality test I took once had me pegged as a "Responsibility" person. I guess if people stop by here, I want it to be worth their time. I know it's not my deal, but it's just how I'm wired. I mean, does anyone really care to know that today I filed my nails and made homemade croutons? Or, that 8 weeks ago I was given a free sample of Latisse and since then I've been growing some astounding eyelashes? Actually, you should see them...they are so stinking long! Anyway...

This season has been interesting for me. And by 'this season' I mean the state of constant change and uncertainty in which I currently reside. And by 'currently' I mean the last year probably. And by 'the last year' I probably could narrow it down to really the last 6 months, but not really more specific than that. Let's just say, it's not where I dreamed I would be as a 30-something...

I've been pondering a lot. I've been pondering life...and by 'life' more specifically I mean all the plans, dreams, ideas, aspirations, and whatnot that I once thought my life would be. The truth is, I'm not living the life I thought I would live one day. I'm not entirely disappointed. Sure, obviously some of it has sucked, but just because it's not everything I've dreamed doesn't mean it has all sucked.

I mean, getting married was in my life plan. And so I am...and that's good. And by 'good' I mean, I am married to my best friend and I am totally in love with him...that kind of 'good'. On the other hand, I was never one of those girls that was super duper excited about being a mommy. For me it was, back in the day, a take it or leave it idea. When my mom told me about sex I was thoroughly disgusted that she had done that 3 times (I have 2 sisters) and when she told me how babies entered the world, I recall vividly at whatever young age that was an involuntary defense mechanism take place between my knees at the thought of the pain and discomfort childbearing would entail. I thought, "Adoption...like, TOTALLY!"

Then, one day, early on in our marriage, a light went on in my heart and I saw what an amazing dad Jason would be. Shortly thereafter I declared, "We could probably have 2-4 kids and let's do that after about 3-5 years of marriage." 6 years into our marriage I had a miscarriage and 9 years into our marriage is when Emily came into our lives. I had thought I was going to be a doctor and drive a fancy car. Do I lament over the first miscarriage? No. If that pregnancy had been successful I might have stopped having kids after Emily and then I never would have met my Noah. At some point I must trust that God sees a bigger picture...and that it's good...

I personally think that there is a reason for everything under the sun. I mean, there was a reason I failed chemistry...(his name was Steve...he was really cute)...no, but seriously...if I hadn't failed chemistry I would not have pursued a different course of study, which is where my true love for people really came alive. Do I wish I was a doctor? No. I have no regrets in this area. At some point I must trust that God sees a bigger picture...and that it's good...

And, I wasn't trying to get pregnant when I had my miscarriage. But having one made me wonder about whether I was up for being a mom or not. Then we had Em and the moment we met her not only was I more in love than words can convey, but I knew I wanted more than just one. I was so in love with her I didn't think, though, that I was capable of loving another child as much. Then I met Noah...you know the story there...I fell in love all over again. At some point I must trust that God sees a bigger picture...and that it's good...

We make choices. We make mistakes. We hurt ourselves and we hurt others. We openly and willingly at times say 'No' to God. We have an idea of how we think life should 'go' and we do everything in our power to point our lives that particular way. We try to exercise what we think are our rights or our independence, but the truth that I have found in all of it is God is bigger. I'm grateful that He is bigger and I'm also grateful that He has a sense of humor. If He didn't, we'd all be squished by now!

Sometimes we think we 'stumble upon' things. Other times we believe the mistakes we have made are just too big. God is bigger. Life isn't just something that happens. There is a purpose. You have a purpose. Changes are happening all around us on any given day and they aren't just haphazard. Some may be our doing, others directed by God. But the truth is, God is bigger...and He sees a bigger picture...and that picture is good...even if we can't see it clearly this side of eternity.

So, in my current situation, I may not be the picture of what I had dreamed one day...but guess what? He's not done with me!

Blog Experiment...take one

So, it's been a month. I have never chucked my blog this long since its inception in 2006. I have been busy, that is true, but I also haven't been consistently inspired to write anything on here that is worth cyberspace.

And, in my own defense, what you are not aware of is all the blog entries I do write in my head in the middle of the night that are profound, moving, and even life altering. No, seriously! I have been awake in the middle of the night quite a bit over the last month. I used to get so freaking frustrated when I'd lie awake, thinking of all the sleep I was missing, but I made a conscious decision to quit that route. Being frustrated is exhausting and since I'm already awake, missing sleep, obviously exhausted, why add to it, right? So, I pray for everyone and their dog that I can think of, I design jewelry in my head, talk to God about how cool He is, think about all the ways in which I've been blessed, dream about the moment I can walk into Em's room and look at her in the morning, try to quiet the fact that I can hear my heart beat in my ears and head...and blog in my head. Anyway, people have asked me why I don't just hop out of bed and head to the computer to write down the blog entries that pop into my head. Two words: warm bed. And, the truth is, every morning when I'd wake up after a profound brain blog entry had occurred, the profound thoughts, or at least the deep heartfelt emotion of them had disappeared...POOF! They probably went to the mysterious place in my head where all the emails, texts and phone messages that I send in my head are waiting for replies...

So, here's my experiment...actually I'm a little freaked to type it out here because then I'll be accountable and have to carry through...okay, here goes. For one month, I am going to blog every day. The three people still left reading here didn't even just do a back flip, that's how exciting this news is...

No, but really, I haven't written because I am not inspired to write, but maybe the act of sitting down face to face with my blog will actually inspire me and I'll get my mojo back. Maybe?

Honestly, I've been having too much fun making jewelry and hanging out on Facebook...catching up, posting pictures, cracking one liners, the whole shebang. My kid even started a blog and was more consistent posting than I have been in a while. She's got some good material, I tell ya. And...even though she dictates to me as I type, I don't tell her what she can and cannot say.

So, when I initially sat down to type this I had a blog in my head that was a love letter to Emily...it went back deep down into my heart and now, instead of typing it here, I'd rather just go play with her outside, watch her toothless smile as she laughs and explores, and hold her hand while we sit on the front porch. Maybe it will come back to me tomorrow morning? I mean...I wouldn't want to use all my material at once...I have a whole month to fill! I hope you get a chance to sit and enjoy those you love.

This is what I've been up to lately...

...making jewelry. I've made it since 7th grade as a hobby. I love making things with my hands and jewelry and sewing come easily to me. I don't follow patterns, however. I've never been one to fit in a box. I make things up in my head or see something at a store and go home and try to recreate it. Well, as the economy has tanked and Jason and I are working to be good stewards, him wanting me to work from home so I can be available to Emily and active in her school, I've been searching the Internet and looking into at-home jobs. Finally, a dear friend called me on the rug and said, "Ade, why are you trying to re-create yourself?! God has given you many gifts! Why don't you do what you already do, but stop giving it away?!"

And so, with others cheering me on as well, my mom and I recently launched "bebe&boo", a design and jewelry outreach where a portion of our proceeds go toward sponsoring "The Well Radio Show" and Bevy, my non-profit organization that helps women and their families in need and other non-profits that help women in need. We've already made some great sales in less than a week in addition to some commissioned pieces...and, November 1st when a local salon and boutique, "Panache" opens their doors to the customers, "bebe&boo" will be featured there.

My mom is an amazing seamstress...she made my sister's their prom dresses and has worked with interior designers making some really fabulous works. (I was always to 'flow/fly by the seat of my pants' to have my mom make me a dress in advance so I just had really ugly poofy 80's dresses...). She also makes jewelry too, but together we'll be turning out some fun pieces inspired by my Grandma's closet and jewelry box, recycled pieces and nature, and eventually, the cute little European kids you see at big parks running around in outfits that don't match at all, but somehow they look fantastic! We're excited for what is in store!

Making things with my hands has always been therapeutic, but to make things since losing Noah brings me a lot of joy. I can't even begin to explain how fun it is to sit and design things that women will enjoy wearing. As I sit there, creating pieces I think are beautiful to look at, I am reminded of all the beautiful women I have met or see out and about, their hearts designed by God, their smiles or frowns reflections of how beautiful or ugly they believe themselves to be. And so I pray as I make these pieces. I pray for whoever purchases them that they would know that true beauty is an internal display regardless of what society may tell us and it can only be measured by the heart.

So, then, why do I make jewelry if beauty is a reflection of the heart? Because jewelry is fun, it's pretty, and I know where my beauty lies, so when we wear it ladies, it's just icing on the cake!

Smarter than her mom...

I love our morning routine...minus trying to put on socks and shoes, but other than that, Jason and I usually tag team jumping in bed with Em for a few minutes and nuggling, as we call it, as we convince her it's time to leave the comfort of her warm bed to get up and get going for school. Then, I head downstairs to start breakfast and the packing of her lunch while Jason patiently puts the pressure on for her to get dressed and brush her teeth. He comes down a little before her usually and helps tag team the rest of the food preparations. Then, her royal hiney, her majesty Em, Princess of Graves-ovia, bellies up to the counter next to her daddy, looks at him and points incessantly at "The Picture Bible" and says, "Read, Read, Read!". Then, Jason commences to read chapters on end because every time he stops he hears, "More, More, More!" (Her favorite story is God's faithfulness to the Israelites, beginning with Joseph and his brothers, his time of slavery and then favor in Egypt, and then on into the story of Moses and God leading His people to the promised land)

And, because the three of us have never been known for our speed, one of us drives her to school since our morning bus attendance record is approximately 1:100...it's alright. We have other strengths! Besides, we use the car time to finish getting "dressed".

Notice my sweet girl lost one of her top teeth!

So, on this particular morning...

...as Em sat down to breakfast, she looked at her cup of orange juice...the cup that I stirred Nordic Naturals Children's DHA Natural Triglyceride Form Omega-3 Supplement Made From 100% Arctic Cod Livers *Supporting memory, learning, and visual development with a "Great Strawberry Taste!" into.

Em: Why is there oil floating all over the top of my orange juice?
Me: (Innocently...) Huh? What?!
Em: Did you really think you could just slip that greasy fish oil into my orange juice without me noticing, Mom?
Jason: (Smiling at me, trying not to crack up altogether...) Don't knock it until you try it.
Me: Em, will you please just drink it? Let's not waste this cup, but if you don't like it hidden in your "Magic Orange Juice" (calcium enriched) then you can go back to taking it directly from a spoon...
Em: Oh, alright, I'll try it!

And miraculously she got it down without any complaints. We'll be switching to tablets once this bottle is gone. Apparently I'm not as savvy as Seinfeld's wife...and neither is the "Great Strawberry Taste!"

Smarter than the Government...

Are you smarter than a 2nd grader?



Emily, my 7 year old, is not only smarter than those that pass laws in our country, but her wisdom runs even deeper. Today on the way to school I told her that across the nation, at schools everywhere, students, teachers and parents were gathering to pray at their flagpoles.

Me: A long time ago, Em, the Bible used to be a text book in school and teachers and students prayed together to start each day. But, there are many people that hate God and the Bible so they worked hard to pass laws that took those two things out of the classroom.

Em: That's ridiculous, mom! God lives in my heart. HE comes to school with me everyday. No one can take HIM or HIS WORD out of my heart. That law doesn't even make sense.

(I heard about SYATP on the way to school on the radio, so by the time Em and I got there, we missed it. instead, she and I stopped for a minute with her little best friend's dad and the three of us thanked God that no matter how hard others try, NO ONE CAN TAKE GOD'S LOVE FROM OUR HEARTS!)

For new readers

So, for a few years I've needed to do this. I get around to things when I have time. Today I had a little...I have wanted to do a quick summary post for people who have never read Noah's story so they can be up to speed. Here it is...



Whenever I meet new people they ask me if I have children. My answer is usually dependent upon the vibe I feel from that person, and, quite frankly, how much time I have to answer. But, let’s pretend you and I have just met, or maybe we have known each other for years but are just reconnecting and that we have a substantial amount of time to get to know one another’s stories. I’ll go first, since you asked, and then I’d love to hear your story, because we all have one and yours is important to tell.

You asked if I had any children. I do. I could stare at my daughter, Emily, for the rest of time and never tire of the beauty and life she brings to the world. I am in awe that my husband, Jason and I have been entrusted with her life here on earth. We also have a son named Noah, but he passed away. It’s a long story, but the short of it is Noah was born healthy and beautiful but quickly showed signs of illness at about four weeks. He was breast fed but had chronic diarrhea, was increasingly weak, had a rash and had something called hypotonia, or floppiness. We took him to the doctor who said he just had a virus but that we needed to get his eyes checked by a neurologist at some point because they noticed he had nystagmus, a condition where your eyes ‘click’ or get stuck in the corners of your eyes. On August 2nd, 2006, just 7 and a half weeks after Noah was born, we took him to an outpatient neurology appointment. A lot happened during the next 5.5 months, which is the content of this blog from August 2006 to January 2007. You can click here to read from the beginning. We didn’t leave the hospital again until January 13th, 2007, the day after we took Noah off life support.

This blog started as a place to update family and friends about Noah’s medical status from his stay at Children’s Hospital. Since then it has served many other purposes, including my place to grieve, scream, shout, and learn to live and laugh again. I had said that if Noah ever died, I would surely die. That cold day in January I did, indeed, die. But I died to a way of living that was completely self-serving and me-focused. The impact my life had made on the world in 35 years paled in comparison to the one Noah had made in his short 7 months. I died, but I was also born that day to live a life here on earth worth living.

There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of Noah. I wear a bracelet with his beautiful face on it every day and each night our daughter asks for a story that always begins, “Once upon a time, Emily and Noah went on a great adventure…” Just because I am able to share my story, wear a smile on my face and keep pressing forward does not mean I am ‘over it’ or that it has been easy. I’m not going to candy coat that the loss of a child absolutely sucks. There are no words to describe the daily reality of milestones he’ll never reach. January 12th, 2007 was the last time I tucked Noah into bed. I will never straighten his tie for the prom. I will never know what it is like to hear him say my name. These are heart wrenching realities for anyone who has lost a child, but the heartache pales in comparison to all that Noah’s short life continues to teach me and the many others who have fallen in love with him.

I have found hope that in sharing our story we can encourage others, knowing we aren’t the only ones on this earth to suffer loss, heartache or disappointment…especially in the way we think God is supposed to work. Even though our son died, I have hope and assurance that God is good and can see a bigger picture, one more beautiful than I can comprehend…and I have found peace. How about you? What is your story?

Nice Segway...

When I chose to wear a skirt and flip flops to our friend's house for dinner on Friday night, I hadn't gotten the memo that there just happened to be 4 Segways in their garage...

Here's our early family Christmas photo...

After a little practice, I was soaring along, enjoying the summer night. And, yes, I got over confident...It's all fun and games until somebody gets hurt...

Things I learned from this experience: Never wear a skirt while operating a Segway. Never go barefoot while operating a Segway. Never get cocky while operating a Segway...

This is the inside of my left knee. It's bruised, swollen, and as I learned two and a half days later, infected. I went to a local walk in clinic and the nurse scrubbed the hell (no kidding) out of my wounds. Then, she proceeded to stick a Tetanus shot in my arm and the doctor prescribed me an antibiotic. No exaggeration: I would have rather birthed a third child than experience the pain of a nurse "cleaning" my raw wound. Truly, I learned my lesson. I obviously will wear jeans, shoes, and full body armor next time I mount a Segway. I am so grateful I wasn't hurt worse!

I also have been thinking a lot about the pain I have been experiencing since Friday night and am blown by the reality that Jesus' body was beaten within an inch of His life and then He was hung on a cross...for me, for you...for the whole wide world. I was bawling like a baby while sweet nurse Jean scrubbed the infection out of my wound, getting it down to the new skin. Many times I had to beg her to stop so I could catch my breath.

Jesus didn't have that luxury. He couldn't pause for a break and He didn't ask His floggers to ease up a bit. He didn't have a prescription for pain medicine. He got the crap beaten out of Him so that the devil's plan to destroy our lives would hold no weight in eternity.

He is the toughest Guy in the whole wide world! He's my Hero!

What? Who? When? How? Why?

I've neglected my blog for so long, Blogger made me log in! Listen Blogger, just because I want to hang out with my family and friends, go to the pool, ride bikes, watch the sunsets and snuggle with my kid doesn't mean *you* have to act like *you* don't know me!

Anyway, a lot has happened over the last few weeks. August is always overwhelming for me on an internal responsibility scale. Almost every relative or in-law of mine has an August birthday. My intention for timely cards is always good, but never met with my actions. Throw in several friends, along with wedding anniversaries, as well as remembering special people I loved that have died in August, and we pretty much cover every date of the month. Now August 17th is marked in my heart as the day my last living grandmother went to meet God face to face. My grandma's got along quite nicely on earth, so they are probably hanging out together enjoying God's radiance along with so many other beautiful family and friends. I miss her and am grateful God allowed me to be her granddaughter.

I've been thinking a lot about this lately, death that is, and how whenever someone dies there are always questions. "Why" is always a popular question. It usually pertains to the passers age, or the untimeliness of their death. A lot of people have lost their faith over this question. "Why him?" "Why now?" "Why not so and so?" "If God is so good, why, why, why?"

It's no secret if you've read here long that I no longer fear death. I had for 30 years but sitting every day for 5.5 months in a hospital, staring at the most beautiful boy I had ever laid eyes on, who science would describe as 'living', and then one day literally kneeling on that hospital floor with his lifeless body in my arms, radically changed my view of death. I'm not sure I've been able to articulate it until now, and I'm still not so sure I will be able to, but I'll share some thoughts that have been running through my mind.

Instead of asking the question "Why?", I think what most people are truly struck by is the "How?" or "When?" I think it's fairly safe to say that most people are aware that we are all born and we all die. Some might argue their sweet child didn't have the chance to be born, but I would argue that the moment the sperm and egg became one, birth occurred, and however long you carried your child, there was life inside you. Anyway, this isn't a political post. My point here that I've been pondering is that faith crises often arise not from the fact that we all die, but "How?" or "At what age?"

If we all were assured that at age 96 years and 133 days and 17 hours and 54 minutes and 31 seconds we would die quietly in our sleep, that would be it, at least for most. We'd go about our days...living life to the fullest, but knowing that one day within our last year, it would be over. We would all be given the same amount of time, yet we would all choose to live our lives differently. Or would we? And, in true human fashion, most of us would still try to avoid that final day. Or maybe we'd accept it? Maybe if we knew when and how we were going to die, we'd be at peace with the whole concept of death? But we don't, and so many of us aren't. None of us knows when or how we will die, unless one takes their own life, but even at the beginning of their life, that person didn't know they would make that choice one day.

I personally think people rate death and death experiences, actually believing the lie that some deaths are better than others..."Oh, she died in her sleep. Such a peaceful way to go..." "He was hit by a car. So young! What a tragedy!" "He had been sick for so long. At least he isn't suffering anymore!" "She was in a plane crash, so scary but quick." Torture, famine, drowning, drive-by shooting, suffocation, chronic disease, SIDS...I could name a million diagnoses, a million different ways. Honestly, most people would raise their hand and say, "I'll have an order of old-age, please, hold the aches and suffering. Give me the 96 years, 133 days, 17 hours, 54 minutes, and 31 seconds, and not a minute less!" But that's not reality and that's not how it works. It could have very well worked that way had Adam and Eve not blown it in the Garden, thank you very much! But they blew it and so here we are...earth dwellers who have every right to be offended by death, but we are offended for the wrong reasons.

PEOPLE, GOD DID NOT INTEND FOR US TO DIE! And yet, when people are stuck on the "How?" it happened, they get mad at God. Some modern's have even taken the Enemy of our hearts right out of the equation because, according to them, Satan isn't real. The Devil doesn't exist and Hell isn't a real place. Don't get me started on this mumbo jumbo! Ironic how that is exactly what the Devil himself wants us to believe. That way God's the big meanie and our hearts grow bitter, angry, and eventually calloused towards Him, the very One who designed us to live in His presence. The One who is absolutely in love with us and obviously knows something more than we do that He would provide a way for eternal life through His Son, Jesus Christ, so that we, too, could overcome death. Yet, if we are living in fear of death or angry at God for "Why?" or "How?" or "When?", have we really overcome it?

I personally think it is a tragedy that most people avoid reading the story of Job in the Bible. I mean, yeah, it's a bit of a downer, but I believe God left it in there on purpose. Not to say, "Hey, look what you have to look forward to...life sucks and then you die!" but "You guys, I love you so much! Satan hates your guts and this book is evidence of how low he will go to turn your heart from me. You may not understand it all, but I love you! Just know that I love you and it won't always be like this!"

But "God allowed that horrible thing to happen! How can He be good?!" Yeah, you see the thing that sucks about living on earth is that Satan is real, whether we believe it or not, and because of what transpired in the Garden a heck of a long time ago, he still is working in the earth. HOWEVER, GUESS WHAT?! Something more beautiful happened in another Garden years later that changed death as we know it! You see, since God didn't design us to live outside of His physical presence, our bodies die. God provided a way, instead, through a sacrifice surrendered to in a Garden, literally over blood, sweat and tears, where His very own Son would remove from Satan the power over death. Jesus went on to die a most vivid and tortuous death, but that didn't mean Satan wouldn't try to pull that crap again with us. But it did really piss off the Devil and as a result, he hasn't changed his ways but continues to lie to us, coaxing us to believe that 'God isn't good because He let me have such and such a disease or so and so died at a young age or tragically or etc. etc'.

Jesus' whole message, His whole purpose, was all about life: to the full, eternal, abundant, everlasting. Recorded in Scripture, Jesus only said 'death' a couple of times, but 'life' is recorded throughout His ministry. Yet how many out there allow the idea of death to consume their thoughts and captivate their hearts? There was a reason Jesus said not to worry about tomorrow but to live one day at a time. There was a reason He said, "I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life. I tell you the truth, a time is coming and has how come when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God and those who hear will live." John 5:24&25

See, abundant life isn't living in hopes you'll avoid death. Abundant life is living one day at a time to the fullest, enjoying the people around us, building memories, trusting that God is who He says He is, appreciating the little things and the big things, and graciously accepting that even though we don't understand the "How?" or "Why?", that physical death only looks final to the people still 'living' on earth...but in Heaven, it's just the beginning...and we win because He won and the Devil loses!

I just saw the calendar...

...and apparently it's August 6th. I love summer for this very reason. Yes I check my email frequently so I suppose I could look up the date there, but there's just something good for the soul when you leave your watch on the dresser, your phone on silent, your "to do" list untouched and your schedule behind. I'll be calling into The Well Radio Show today as a phone in guest. I am in South Dakota with Jason and Em visiting family and friends and I can't begin to explain how great this time has been for my heart. I haven't really done much of anything but just sit and be. Our friend's have a quaint boathouse behind their 1920's house which they have recently overhauled. It's like the brain child of something out of 'Coastal Living' meets 'Anthropologie'. My friend has such great taste and is a wonderful hostess, so this week has been nothing shy of just what I needed.

Anyway, even if I don't know what the actual date is, I know it's a Thursday because every Thursday I get butterflies in my stomach and go to the bathroom at least 4 times before "The Well Radio Show". It's not even that I am nervous like I used to get before a basketball game or swim meet in High School, because this show is a dream I feel I am supposed to be doing, but for me it's the deep responsibility I feel to be a good steward of the show, the one hour each week when people tune in to dig deeper. It's like this desire to know that not only what I am doing is encouraging others to dig deeper, but who I am reflects how totally stinking amazing God is.

My previous post was not a plea for encouragement, and I know you know that, but the responses thru email, Facebook and on the blog have blown my socks off. I'm going to share some of them today on our show if you get a chance to tune in at www.castlerockradio.com in just 15 minutes. I've had some serious 'A-ha' moments in the last week or so regarding being a dreamer and then the frustrations that go with it as I don't know how to move forward from there. I hope it will be insightful for some of you dreamers out there. And not only that, I hope it will inspire you to stop cursing your dreams and start living them...that's what I am going to do!

Over it...

I have always been a leader. Leaders have to set an example. Leaders are watched. Leaders are emulated. When leaders are feeling down or empty, they feel trapped because to admit weakness is not something that those who look up to them want to accept...and, so, usually leaders hide it well, unless they don't, and then they crack. I don't know how to not be a leader except to just say, "I quit." I want to be able to be weak sometimes. I want to admit that there are days I have nothing to give, when I don't have anything encouraging to say to another person, and I don't feel one way or another about it. I want to be able to cuss when it really counts and not have people wonder if I really love Jesus or if I should be in positions of leadership or not. I want to be able to drink half a glass and view it as half empty instead of always playing the eternal optimist. I don't know why I feel so spent lately. I feel like the canary who is so excited to fly free from the grasp of the owner, only to be thrown down the dark tunnel, a tunnel dug for beautiful diamonds or other treasure, even just resource, but that's kicking out toxic deadly gases instead...future's not looking so bright for that bird. I'm discouraged that I am not changing the world, literally, physically, spiritually, on a grand scale, or even a small one. I hate that part of my story in trusting Christ includes a dead kid. Dead kid's suck. I don't recommend them to anyone! I miss my kid and my other one is growing up so fast. Another thing, I don't understand why God made me a dreamer...an idea person. Dreams and ideas don't mean jack squat if they don't have legs. I don't know how to give them legs or wings, if you will. That may be so simple for another, but I feel like the 'gift' of dreams and ideas has been wasted on the wrong girl. It's torture being a dreamer that isn't moving forward and has no clue where to go. For the last month I've been listening to "On The Way" by Elizabeth Hunnicutt on her new album "On The Way". There is a line that says, "The path of least resistance was not meant for me to take." I'm mad at that line. It's a fabulous song and terrific album! It's literally like she's written my heart on her album, though she never even knew how I've been feeling. I just know that the path of least resistance wasn't meant for me, or for anyone, because God has made us and we were never intended for mediocrity. But I'm tired. I feel like I am wired for serving God in a wonderful and beautiful way, yet why doesn't my reality line up with those 'feelings, dreams, ideas'? I think I 'm over being a leader for a while. Jason says I sound a little cynical. Ya think?! I guess I was just feeling a little realistic, but if realistic is being called cynical these days, call me what you will. I am exhausted and literally have nothing to offer. And somehow, for the first time since I started this blog, simply typing these words just isn't making me feel better...

Prayers for Stellan and family...

Please pray for Stellan and Jennifer and the whole McKinney family.

Not all she's cracked up to be....

(People have asked me to write about the Proverbs 31 woman. I'm certain this isn't what they were expecting when they asked me, but I've been thinking about her a lot lately and thought I'd share my random and biased thoughts...)

A Proverbs 31 Woman. The woman written about in the 31st chapter of Proverbs in the Bible isn't all that and a bag of chips. Don't get me wrong, she's one amazing woman! In fact, the chapter tells us she's priceless! Her husband thinks she rocks! She's a hard worker, she's like George Costanza working in importing/exporting. She gets up at the crack of dawn. She's in real estate, not to mention, a sommelier and wine connoisseur. She's got arms like Venus Williams, burns the midnight oil and is a fashion designer. She's philanthropic, recognizing that the whole world doesn't revolve around her and her alone. She pretty much invented sweaters and Pottery Barn. Her hubby is a big stinking cheese in town, revered among his colleagues. She's got a great sense of humor, maybe even snorts when she laughs...She's super duper smart, so smart she's able to teach others. She doesn't sit on her can watching soaps all day, eating bon bons. Her kids think she's the best mom in the whole wide world and her husband is so whipped over her that he tells her, "Sweetheart, You STINKING ROCK!" Most importantly, she loves God with her whole heart and seeks to do His will, so according to the whole passage, that is why she should be known...not for all the other great things she does.

But here's my beef: We all revere the Proverbs 31 woman, don't get me wrong. Some of you have even had thoughts of resentment towards her, even though you don't know her and you've never met her, so judging her is pretty lame. But my beef lies with verse 15. You see, most women wench about the first line which is, "she gets up early, while it is still dark", so then they compare their lack of interest in getting up to greet the sun or use the lame excuse of not being a 'morning person'...whatever works for you...Others get worked up about the fact that she's up bright and early flipping pancakes and crepes for her family, making goat cheese and garbanzo bean omelets and homemade pitas and they are just trying to open the box of some lame named candy-coated boxed cereal while trying to aim the milk stream into the bowl, not to mention multi-task not burning whatever the heck is in the toaster and pack lunches at the same time.

My beef, however, lies with the third part of the verse:

"...and portions for her servant girls." Here it is in context:

"She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls."

I know that certain cultures incorporate not the kind of servant hood that once plagued early American culture, but rather helping hands, if you will. I know a girl that was a missionary in Peru and it was insulting to their culture not to hire a laundress and cook because it provided work for the locals. So, yeah, the Proverbs 31 woman was a great woman, but keep in mind that she had AT LEAST 2 young women working for her because "girls" is plural, and given her husband was a big cheese and she seemed to rock the merchandising world, I'm guessing it was more than two...

So, the next time you start feeling badly about how much you aren't accomplishing on any one given day, because, let's say you are a busy mom, remember that you don't have a staff working for you. If your husband gives you crap about not being everything Mrs. Proverbs 31 is, ask him when your cook and laundress will be showing up, and nanny if you have small children. HOWEVER, if you DO indeed have a staff of two or more helpers working for you and you aren't measuring up to the Proverbs 31 woman, then you are a slacker and you should send your helpers to help the rest of us...

One day at a time, ladies, enjoy and love your families one day at a time.

And the winner is...

...Kelly Valentine Vasami!
Congratulations, silly girl!

In response to this picture:

Kelly wrote: "Their love forbidden, they were left no other option but to embrace through the glass that separated them...."


You, Kelly, have won this pair of earrings handmade by Adexoxox in honor of String of Pearls, a great non-profit started by my dear friend Laura who lost her daughter, Pearl. String of Pearls serves a perinatal hospice for families facing a fatal perinatal diagnosis.





And, I just so happen to know Kelly. We 'met' via blog world while my sweet guy was in the hospital. Kelly called me one day prior to us removing Noah from life support and said she would hop on a plane and come capture our last tender moments together. She got to the gate at the airport and they had just shut the doors! She was so sad! God worked out the details, though, one, because the photographer who did come and take our last photos was profoundly impacted by Noah's story, and she didn't even know about his blog, and two, because there was a horrible snow storm here at the time and Kelly would have been stuck otherwise. Then, one day, Kelly was heading out to CA for a photography workshop with a master of the trade and had a layover here in Denver. She called me and the two of us went and ate yummy Mexican food at one of my favorite restaurants. It felt like we had known each other forever. I love you, Kelly! Congrats!

If you live anywhere near Scarsdale, NY and are looking for a fabulous photographer, well, Kelly Vasami just happens to be your girl!

Thursday on our radio show we talked about the importance of laughter. I have always had a pretty warped sense of humor...always. In fact, I pretty much can't repeat most of what I think is truly hilarious. I try not to take myself too seriously, or others really, because life is just too freaking short for that. If we can't laugh about life, laugh in the face of adversity, laugh at ourselves, well, then I think that we are missing out on a whole lot of living!

Here are some random things that make me happy and help bring perspective to my life:

Because mud is meant to be played in...these two BFF's demonstrate what older women now call "Mud Spa Treatments"...hey ladies, it's cheaper to play in the mud in your own back yard!

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Did you know that in the 50's women used to put these feather wigs on after a dip in the pool? I didn't either until Em and I discovered it while organizing my Grandma's closet. She's got some treasures in there, for sure.
And, this wig was one of those treasures. Who knew my Grandma had a wig?! Em and I had fun trying it on and playing dress up in my Grandma's things.

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We were changing out the mantle piece recently and I wanted to see what this masterpiece looked like on display...gives a whole new meaning to 'still life' and 'portrait', huh?

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Noah's first movie (and only I guess) was "Nacho Libre". I took him to the theatre and nursed him while I cracked up at Jack Black in stretchy pants. It is now our family movie. Reading "Junie B. Jones" is fun to do with Emily, too. Though, for me, I find myself grammatically correcting every other sentence, but it still has the same effect. We were even crying once reading a "Junie B. Jones" book. I read stories to Emily in "Nacho Libre accent" until she complains and then I stop. I think it's important as a parent to model mature behavior balanced with healthy "immature" behavior. Plus, laughing with Emily has got to be one of the greatest things in the entire world
.

The one thing I bought from our trip to Mexico last year...not a quality piece of pottery, leather goods, or even .925 jewelry, but a Gen U INE Nacho mask.

Not initially, but gradually I was able to laugh even while Noah was in the hospital. I felt guilty at first for even cracking a smile or allowing my thoughts or heart to be anywhere other than centered on saving my son. Let's face it, there's nothing funny about a child dying and "modern medicine" not having answers in the midst of illness. No matter how many clowns or stuffed animals they have at a children's hospital, it's not funny. There's nothing hilarious about not being able to save your own kid...it's tragic and that part sucks. Don't get me wrong, in bringing up laughter it is not my intention to disrespect serious issues, life is decidedly serious, but if God Himself said that laughter is good medicine, then I think we could all use a dose...and some of you might just need a double...especially you! Ha ha ha!

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Contest:

Here's a pic of Em looking for her favorite monkey in the wash. The funniest caption wins a pair of handmade pearl earrings. Send in your captions by 7/20 at midnight and I'll announce the winner and post your caption by 7/21.

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I think laughter has to start with ourselves, not only laughing at the stupid things we do but even at our own jokes. I laugh at my own jokes. Not because they are necessarily funny but because if I don't laugh at them, it's quite possible no one else will. If we can't laugh at ourselves I believe it is because we are trying to portray an image of perfection to those around us. If we could just lighten up a little and realize there is no such thing as perfection then I think life would be just a little sweeter.
In an effort to commemorate the life of a beautiful woman who died the same day as MJ, I feathered my hair for a week. Let's face it, feathering my hair for a week like Farrah Fawcett was easier than getting plastic surgery or wearing strange leather outfits and a glitter glove.

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As I was doing 'research' for our show on laughter (really rough having to look up funny videos on YouTube and read jokes on emails from people) a video came to my memory that really reveals my weird sense of humor, even in my family's darkest hour. I haven't shared this with very many people, mostly because I thought they might think I was weird, but since, one, I am weird, and two, I don't care what anyone thinks, I'm posting it today. This is how I kept 'sane' in the hospital with my sweetie boy. I hope that all of these random things will simply be an inspiration to you to enjoy this life, one day at a time, even through the hard times, and to remind us all to make time to laugh. It's a gift from God that He knew we'd need this side of Heaven...

Dear Gramma...

I know I’ve told you this before, but I love you! You are the Best! You’ve always been easy to be around. Your laugh and joy for life are contagious and I am honored to call myself your granddaughter. I have always, even today, thought you are beautiful and though I wasn’t lucky enough to inherit your great legs, I do believe I inherited your sassiness and fight for life…and we both know sassiness can carry you further

You know, “Jane” means “Gracious Gift from God”. You have always been a gift to me and that is why I didn’t think twice about naming my sweet girl after you, Emily Jane. Thank you for always loving me and even the love of my life, my quiet husband Jason and our sweet daughter. You know, I still have the card you sent from when Noah was born, congratulating us for the birth of a baby boy. The money is even still in the card. I am so sorry you never got to meet him. He would have loved you and I know you would have snuggled him close.

Gramma, thanks for all the memories that you have given me over the last 37+ years! My favorite thing growing up was going up to the Mogollon Rim with you and Gramps to camp and explore. I loved playing games with you guys and learning Pinochle. We must have sounded crazy to the neighboring campers yelling, "Corner on the Market on Rye!" I loved waking up to the smell of kielbasa and eggs on the camp stove, or bacon and then later having popcorn cooked in the bacon grease. Of course, some of my favorite memories are spending hours on end in your closet trying on your shoes and accessories and dressing up in your jewelry. I always wanted to be as beautiful as you and my mom…you both have shown me that beauty is only skin deep but true beauty lies within the heart. And, even though I never was a great dancer, or even a very good one, your love for it and the beauty and ease with which you and Gramps glided around on the floor has given me a great appreciation for it.

You and Grandpa have shown me how to love in thick and thin. Thank you for being an example to people everywhere of a marriage that can last a lifetime! That is a rarity in this day and age but a huge testimony that love endures! I know my parents have that kind of love and I know that Jason and I are well on our way to 70+ years of loving each other!

Well, I know you are going to live until you are 104, so I hope you aren’t mad at me for saying these things now! I’ve learned that life is too short and we can think many wonderful things in our heads and hearts, but if we don’t share them with those around us, then they just don’t mean anything! I just wanted to take this opportunity while you had to sit still for a moment and let your hip heal to tell you that even though I don’t get to see you as often or talk to you all the time, I love you so much and thank God, truly, that He made you just the way you are, sassiness and all, and that He loved me so very much to make you my Gramma! I love you and am praying for your recovery! And though you can’t necessarily tune in, I am dedicating my radio show to you today! I love you, Gramma! Love, Boo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

(Make sure you don't forget to tell the people in your life that you love them.)

How old are you?

Last night I was walking Emily's friend part way up the street to her house after an evening of playing. As I watched this six year old riding her scooter, wearing a helmet of course, roll down the sidewalk, I had this strange sense come over me. The sense of being 37 years old. I thought, "When did I become a grown-up? When did I become a grown-up enough to be a parent? When did I become grown-up enough to own a house on a street in a neighborhood, with a husband of 16 years on Friday, to boot?!" It was a surreal moment.

I don't necessarily know what it feels like to be 37 because in my head I don't really feel any certain age. I know I don't feel like I'm a teenager, or even early twenties, and I wouldn't want to, believe me. Not because I think I am better or smarter than those particular ages, but because on my own journey, I was a really insecure, obnoxious, envious, bragging, (did I mention insecure?) person in that season of my life. Some would probably beg to tell you I am still that, but I'd like to think my 30's have had a profound impact on my life...I suppose if I could be 'stuck' at an age it would be early childhood because from observing Em, you know all you need to know about your own world and faith and how to treat others, but nothing about the big, bad, scary world that happens outside the walls of your pink and brown bedroom.

I have not learned everything, for that I am grateful. If I ever announce that I have learned it all, shoot me...seriously. When I am with someone older than me I try to listen to their life...listen to either something they want to teach me or listen by observing. The key word there being listen. I believe the past is important and age and experience bear weight in the wisdom arena. Maybe it's from reading the book of Proverbs a lot, or maybe it's just the obvious...I don't know everything. But as I walked back home I wondered if everyone, no matter their age, has an age that they live by? For instance, my grandparents, at least in my observation, lived within their 40's and 50's well into their early 80's. Now they are in their 90's and even though they are sharp as tacks, their bodies have most certainly caught up with them, if not surpassed them.

At what age does that happen? Walking down my street at age 37, I feel invincible, able to leap over a building in a single bound. Able to at least attempt to solve the world's problems, not wars and politics, but the problems each of our hearts' contain.

Does my 93 year old gramma, who used to cut up a rug like Ginger Rogers well into her 80's but just broke her hip the night before last (not dancing but trying to walk on her own) feel like Em in her heart? Does my gramps, 92, Ginger's Fred Astaire, feel 37? He doesn't, mind you, because he's told me in no uncertain terms that getting old sucks, but at what age did he start to age? When does life start catching up with us, so to speak? I've always thought of age as simply a number, not a state of mind.

My many days laying out in the sun have caught up with me. My many years eating processed foods, and things 'fat-free' but not calorie or carb-free, are still sticking around on my thighs, unfortunately. But what about my heart? My attitude? My mind? My outlook on life?

I know I am going to die one day and I no longer fear it. Perhaps the turning point for me in living was when I no longer feared that living would one day end? No. Not 'perhaps'.

I guess it makes living one day at a time, to the fullest, that much more meaningful...

"Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms." 1 Peter 4:10 NIV


"Be generous with the different things God gave you, passing them around so all get in on it: if words, let it be God's words; if help, let it be God's hearty help." The Message


I've been thinking about the above scripture a lot lately. If we were to read it correctly then we would know that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF US has gifts (strengths, talents, passions) that have been given to us from God. ALL OF US, not just the ones who think they do, not only the people who are aware of those gifts, but all 6.79 billion of us. AND, get this...not only the people who believe in God! God made all of us whether we believe in Him or follow Him or not, and He made us not for ourselves, not only for His good pleasure because He loves us, but because He loves it when we love each other. When we love each other, when we walk with confidence in the gifts that He knit into us from the dawn of time, it's not because we are a big deal, but because HE IS A BIG DEAL! Yes, we are big deals because He made us, but the reason He wants us to love each other and not judge each other is because when we do, we are spreading around His grace.

Satan, or the devil, is the most jealous being in the Universe! He was the first cast out of God's presence and ever since has been a miserable cur. He couldn't stand that God beautifully and intricately designed man from a speck of dust and breathed life into him and then into woman. And, since then he's been trying to distract our hearts from the Ultimate Love Experience between God and human. He'll do whatever it takes, stooping to the lowest of lows, deviously scheming ways to distract, discourage, and harden our hearts. (If you don't believe me, read the book of Job...) He'll candy coat lies that appear truthful and enticing, but of course, that we won't necessarily recognize, to lead us even one degree in the wrong direction. And one way he does it is through jealousy...

Jealousy is when we look at other peoples' strengths, possessions, gifts, talents, and are intolerant, hostile or vigilant toward what it is they possess. Jealousy stirs up discontent. Eve didn't know she was 'missing out' on anything in the Garden until the devil stirred up discontent in her heart that there was more that she could not see. Jealousy stirs up selfishness. Adam and Eve weren't selfish until they started casting the blame on the other for who led who astray. Prior to that, they were a team. They both had strengths and gifts that balanced the other, but they worked in harmony because they weren't gifts to be coveted but mutually enjoyed.

Until we ALL start appreciating the gifts in one another, seeing that each one of us has been given these gifts, NOT TO BOAST or FOR OUR OWN GAIN, but because God is really cool, He's good and generous and He has given us gifts to spread His grace...well, not until then will we really be able to see how HUGE, and BEAUTIFUL and AH-MAZE-ING God is for all 6.79 billion of us.

Just some thoughts on my heart this beautiful Monday morning as I figure out how to love others, and myself, the good and the 'unlovely'...

A look back...

On our overnight away last week in memory of Noah's birthday, we headed up to a quiet little cabin and spent a little family time doing things we think Noah would have loved to do...and things his big sis loves to do, here and now!

Like feeding and petting beautiful horses...

And being together as a family...

And touching slimy fish...


And letting Daddy touch slimy fish that Em catches with her Princess fishing pole, but just poses with...

And hanging out with real cowboys like this one named Gary...

And touching more slimy fish, like this big one Daddy caught...

And stealing the camera at breakfast to capture half-asleep parents like these ones...

(Maybe this daddy should start drinking coffee???)

And sitting on Daddy's side of the booth because Daddy time is AWESOME!
(Notice the shirt on the beautiful toothless girl above...that just 'happened' to be a 'hand me down' from a friend.)

And hanging out with her most favorite man on earth!

And skipping rocks with Mommy while Daddy tries his hand at Princess fishing pole 'fly fishing'...
(Note: Mommy had her record of 7 skips until her stone went all the way across the creek into the bank, Em's record was 3...great job, kid!)

And then following this double rainbow down the mountain for 20 minutes, while Mommy bawled and thanked God for such an amazing gift and Daddy tried to video tape it. Here's the You Tube link...

It was a beautiful day and we were grateful for the time away as a family. When we got home, flowers were waiting from family and friends, along with a sweet treat for Em to "share" with her brother.

Noah, I don't know how you celebrated in God's presence, and even though I would have rather you been here, (or rather me THERE), smearing frosting through your hair and touching slimy fish with your sister, I am grateful for the time we had to remember. Your life was short according to the standard of time we use here on earth, but it was rich, so to me, little guy, length is not a good measure of impact! Yours has been HUGE! SO proud of YOU, Sweet Noah! Love you bigger than the Universe! Mom, xoxox

Emilyism

Em just lost the same tooth on the other side of her mouth last night, so has two holes...must take pic.

We played bumper bowling the other day. I'm not going to lie...the bumpers came in handy for me, too!

This morning Em came and jumped in bed with me a little early, but with good reason:

Em: Mom, I lost another tooth last night!

Me: YAY! I was thinking about you at my women's meeting and thought, "I wonder if Em lost her tooth yet or not?!"

Em: Dad yanked it right out! I screamed once and then, yank, it was out...no biggie!

Then Em pulls her wrinkly dollar bill out and stretches it straight before me. (I was the tooth fairy last night, NOT Jason, therefore Em took a $4 cut in tooth earnings! Don't ask!)

Me: Nice! You have made quite a bit of money in the last two weeks losing teeth...you should lose a few more, maybe go into business!

We headed downstairs to pack her lunch and eat some breakfast. Side note: Em got a great kid's Bible for her preschool graduation that we've read about 4 times already. It's comic strip style. Here's a link to check it out. She won't eat a meal without one of us reading it to her. Honestly, even as a theology major in college, the Old Testament version of this kid's Bible is a great refresher. ANYWAY...

So....then...

Em: Mom, did you see the other exciting surprise?!

Me: No! I had no idea there was more!

Em: We have to go outside to see it, though.

Em and Jason lead me out to my pathetic 'vegetable' and 'flower' garden that, one, we seeded too late, and two, doesn't have actual soil in it but is filled with only fertilizer! Don't ask...seriously, don't...

Em: Mom, look! Every row has things growing in it! Isn't that cool!?

Me: I can't even believe it! That is pretty cool!

Jason: Okay, Em, back in the house, you need to leave for school.

Em: Oh man! I don't need to go to school!

Me: Yes you do, so scoot, in the house...

Em: (Spelling...) S O C H....School.

Me: RIGHT, that's exactly why you need to go to school!

Classic! What a great way to start the day but with a great laugh brought on by our children!

3 years ago...

I was getting things in order, fluffing my nest, trying to bond with Emily and Jason as much as possible prior to our lives changing with the addition of another child. I could not wait to meet my son!

On Wednesday three years will come and go from the beautiful day Noah was born. We'll take Em out of school for the day and head off by ourselves somewhere for a little quiet. We'll probably take a hike through God's glorious creation, maybe pack a picnic, but mostly stop time, at least in our little world, and reflect on how life isn't perfect, how our hearts miss our guy, and how, through all of it, our hope and trust in God has not waned. We'll probably wonder what he's doing, and dream heavenly dreams for a bit...and for us, the respite will be welcomed in the midst of our busy lives.

If you or someone you know has lost a loved one, or two, or three, or more...please, allow yourself or the person you know time, allow for space and solitude, allow tears and allow laughter. Don't ever expect yourself or the griever to 'get over it' or 'just move on'. Don't ever put a time frame on their grief journey, or your own. For those who do not understand, don't expect them to...they don't and won't. We, the bereaved, do 'move on' but as we do, we always take some of that person with us. Don't be afraid to do the same. There is no 'right way' to grieve nor is there only one way. But don't forget to grieve because in grief, you look close enough, there is beauty, such great beauty!

And, if your heart is stuck on the "Why?", "Why me?", "Why them?", "Why now?" questions, I assure you, even if you knew the why, it wouldn't make you miss them any less...

Cupcakes in Heaven?

On the way to school this morning, Em and I were praying in the car. We put on our "Armor" every morning in the car so that neither of us starts the day "naked"...because that would be...AWKWARD! It goes something like this:

Me: Lord, we put on our armor. We put on the belt of...

Em: TRUTH!

Me: Yep! So that we share your truth and always choose to tell the truth, not letting the devil tempt us to lie.

Me: We put on the breastplate of...

Em: RIGHTEOUSNESS!

Me: Yep! Lord, we want to do things Your way, not ours, so help us to be a light and choose to do the right thing.

Me: We stand with our feet in the gospel of...

Em: PEACE!

Me: Yep! Lord, we thank You that You sent Jesus, the Prince of Peace! And we trust You as our foundation! Your ways ROCK and no matter what the d(D)evil tries to throw our way, we will trust You and know Your peace!

Me: We put on the helmet...

Em: OF SALVATION!

Me: Yep! Lord, we thank You for Your word! We want to renew our minds with Your word because the d(D)evil tries to lie to us all the time so we need to know the difference between Your truth and his dumb lies!

Me: We take up the shield of...

Em: FAITH!

Me: Yep! Lord, we thank You that FAITH can ward off the fiery attacks of the e(E)nemy.

Me: We take up the...

Em: SWORD OF THE SPIRIT, YOUR WORD, SHARPER THAN ANY TWO-EDGED SWORD AND WE WILL PRAY AND PRAISE CONTINUOUSLY!

Me: EM, YOU ROCK! I am so proud of you!

Me: Em, today is a special day. Today is Pearl's birthday.

Em: (Smiles) Cool!

Me: Do you think she's sharing her cupcakes with Noah?

Em: They never even met here, do you think they know each other?

Me: Well, Pearl's mommy and I are friends...

Em: Yeah, they are probably like, "Hey, isn't your mom Adrienne?" and "Hey, isn't your mommy Laura?" and then she'll share her cupcakes.

Me: Yeah, that's probably how it happened, though that conversation probably took place a few years ago...

And look at that! Cupcakes in Heaven! Who knew?

Faith

I read this quote today and it is something I want to share here...

"A visible God would have lots of superficial followers." Chris Tiegreen

Faith is hard. It's hardcore and it's uncomfortable! I mean, seriously, who wouldn't follow God if, at the moment each of us died physically, our bodies either floated peacefully to Heaven or went straight to hell? It would be the easiest decision Eh-ver! Instead, at times we feel a need to defend God or His existence. And, at other times, we try to convince ourselves.

"Okay, God, I know You are real. Wanna just throw me a bone though, just to make sure I'm on the right track?" or "God, I don't think You really exist. I think you are a figment of a bunch of whacko's imaginations and I don't want any part in it..." (Oh really, then why are you 'thinking' to God in your head? Just throwing that out there...)

Each and EVERY ONE of us has been hand crafted by the Creator of the Universe, God Himself. We weren't manufactured in an abandoned/bankrupt automobile factory or even designed by a computer engineer. And technically speaking, even scientifically, we weren't just instantly human. God literally made us from dirt! We were dirt! Without His life breathed into us, that is how we would have remained. Sometimes we still may feel like dirt, but we were loved enough to be so much more!

I love, love, love that quote by this guy!

It takes something from us to actually have faith. It takes surrender, I am finding. It takes a willingness to admit I'm not the smartest person in the world. It takes effort on our parts to say we are wrong, that we don't have all the answers, and maybe, just maybe, God, who we can't see and who doesn't work or do things the way we necessarily would, is good, loves us, and sees a bigger picture. And, in my opinion, by admitting that, you are more wise than all the philosophers and theologians and scholars in the the world...Because, of course, He's smarter than them...

If He were on, say, American Idol, He may have likely had the best voice, but I'm thinking a lot of people would have voted Him off because He just doesn't 'have the look', 'fit the mold', 'have great stage presence', according to OUR standards. Jesus didn't do flashy miracles all the time and He didn't fit into the mold of what the people were expecting. He definitely did miracles, but not for esteem or to draw attention to Himself, but to point people to His Father and to show His love. An 'out of sight' Dad, but not out of touch. Very much IN TOUCH, hence, sending Jesus and all!

Superficial means: of, relating to, or located near a surface; lying on, not penetrating below, or affecting only the surface; concerned only with the obvious or apparent; shallow; seen on the surface; external; presenting only an appearance without substance or significance

In order to know God, in order to have faith, in order to gain a perspective in life that is so much more than what we can tangibly see and feel, we have to dig deeper, get below the surface, because, really, God doesn't show Himself physically a whole heck of a lot. We don't dig deeper by setting up more rules on proper behavior and good works. We don't dig deeper by doing everything right and always saying the right things. Actually, thank God that when He instructed us on what is required and how much faith it takes to follow Him, it was only the size of a mustard seed. Whew! I've got that!



Now, I'm off to follow and trust and live for my unseen GOD! Deeply, truly, below the surface, where roots can spread and growth takes place...

Creepers

And I'm not talking about beautiful vines with flowers that creep up the side of your house or in your garden! I'm on 'Twitter'. It's mostly to give information for "The Well" Radio Show, but it's also random thoughts here and there that pop into my mind. Anyway, last night I posted something about how old I feel having to drink psyllium every night. Yeah, welcome to being middle-aged, right?! Anyway, I like to check to see who is following in case they have something worth following. I like some politicians (very few, of course), some people with global purposes, I follow The Holy Spirit! Yeah, He's on Twitter (smiley face). And, of course, Paul Hewson. Anyway, I clicked on someones link and it was disturbing, to say the least! I hit BLOCK with great force but it wouldn't block! I kept hitting it repeatedly but Twitter was having 'technical difficulties' or something! Literally, I tried to block the creeper for an hour, even enlisting Jason's help even though the content on their page wasn't something I wanted to see or I wanted him to see. Finally, he said let's just go to bed and I'm sure it will be fixed by morning. When I laid down in bed was when my heart was finally ready to actually pray for that person and for the whole world of perversion they represent. I 'sicked' God on them! Seriously, my heart started to grieve for the person and the world of deception, lust, perversion and demonic influence they are so deeply rooted in. God made sex. He created it to be a beautiful thing between a husband and wife. There are no exceptions. This isn't relative! There aren't exceptions to the rules that include photos, gadgets, or extra characters! Oh man, I am worked up and you can bet your arse that we'll be talking about this on our show! Satan is the biggest stinking liar known to mankind, but that is the problem...much of mankind doesn't believe he exists or even have a clue that he's lying to them! Twitter creeper wanted to expose 'exposure'! Well, Adrienne and Gina will expose the devil's creeper schemes and not be ashamed to do so! ARGHHHHHHH!

John 3:19-21 "This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God."

I Corinthians 4:2-5 "Now it is required that those who have been given a trust must prove faithful. I care very little if I am judged by you or by any human court; indeed, I do not even judge myself. My conscience is clear, but that does not make me innocent. It is the Lord who judges me. Therefore judge nothing before the appointed time; wait till the Lord comes. He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts. At that time each will receive his praise from God."

Ephesians 5:11-14 "Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible."

Let's Talk About It!

I was talking to Em's teacher today while I was volunteering in her classroom. She was so sweet and enthusiastic about the upcoming radio show, wanted to know the content, the details, etc. I told her it is called " "The Well", you know, a show about digging deeper in life for perspective. We'll talk about the hard stuff but not so we all end up like sobbing heaps on the floor but in order to encourage others that no matter what comes our way in this life, we can overcome it with God's perspective."

Mrs.: Have you always wanted a radio show?

Me: No, I never thought I'd be walking this road!

Mrs.: So, how did you happen upon it?

Me: Well, through writing about our journey with Noah on the blog my eyes have been opened to how each of us has a story to tell and that in sharing them, no matter how easy or difficult at times, we can find healing by doing so. And, I have found that even if we don't understand God, are disappointed with Him at times, or don't believe He's good, He's still part of the equation to be wrestled with.

Mrs.: That is so exciting and really important! About 30 years ago our neighbors lost their little 3 year old boy. They turned inward, so devastated, blamed God, stopped going to church, and you could see the anger eat them up. It was so sad! The dad finally died of a horrible cancer.

Me: That is why I think it's important to talk about it, even if it's uncomfortable! I know from our experience with Noah that God works differently than I would but I trust that He knows what He's doing and that He loves us even though we suffer.

So, just this morning, another confirmation to my heart that when we try to walk this journey of life alone we will end up more empty than we started. I am excited to launch "The Well" next Thursday, and every Thursday, at 12pm MST on www.castlerockradio.com. Here's our page link: http://www.castlerockradio.com/pages/page.asp?page_id=71928

Prayers welcome and needed:)

Therapy

My little sister and her husband had this sweet little guy yesterday...my wonderful nephew.

He's not only handsome, he's highly intelligent! But best of all, he snuggles perfectly. I really, really love him!

So, at the suggestion of many of you, and honestly, because I long to see something grow and live and thrive, I have been doing some planting in hopes to see beauty spring up all over the back yard. For those that remember, almost every tree we bought last year has died. We took the last of them out of the yard and planted new things last weekend. Gardening is therapeutic.

Colorado Columbine

Coreopsis

This is Em's xeroscape rock garden...do you see something in the stepping stones?

Going to try my hand with roses...we'll see how it goes...

A beautiful Japanese maple

Em wanted to try one more time with the Norway maple

The Aspen on the right are new

My mom took me flower shopping and we chose these. I can't wait to see how much they grow this year!

I am a bit anal, I'm not going to lie, so I bought two of everything you see here, and planted an identical pot that sits across the porch from it. I'm even Steven...

Laughter and lots of snuggling have also been therapeutic to my heart. Wish I could say those sassy boots are mine but I'd break my neck wearing them...those are courtesy of Em's auntie.

A day walking on Pearl Street in Boulder is always therapeutic...and seeing that my sweet girl can still ride on her daddy's shoulders...well, that's therapy enough for this soul.

We went to Boulder on Jason's sis' birthday...it just so happened to be THE day to be there to enjoy all the beautiful tulips.

Can you believe these colors? Glad God wasn't color blind when He designed flowers!

Knowing that my amazing husband loves me dearly...priceless.
That he is so handsome...bonus!

Em and I went horseback riding, English style, with our friend Kristie. She taught us that the white stripe you see on the horse's face is called a blaze. Who knew? We also learned the difference b/n English and Western.

And, as always, just watching my girl grow up is therapy for my heart. It's not only therapy, it's joy inexplicable! Love, love, love that girl!

So, thank you. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for sharing your hearts with me, as well. It makes me sad that many of us have loss in common. I wish that were not the case. I pray that God would bless your hearts with therapy...His version, however it may look, so that you, too, may be healed.

Changes coming...Part 3...probably the end of it...

That's funny. There is no end in sight when it comes to change. What I mean is, this is the last of my "Changes coming..." series...for now :)


This last week I've had a heightened awareness of the fact that we as humans are constantly on the go, in and out of the grocery store, work, school activities, running here and there, passing one another on our way to wherever it is we must be, yet we don't really stop to ponder that every one of us has a story. We all have different things we are going through, anticipating, experiencing, at any one given time, on any given day. "You don't know me" keeps running through my head...not with the attitude tone that you would think but instead the heartfelt sentiment that we are all crying out to truly be known. Because God made more than one of us, He wants us to see the unique gift that each of us is to the world. So I've been praying more for strangers. I've been looking at people's faces, asking God to show me how I can pray for them, someone I don't know, but that God knows very, very well. Someone that God loves very much. This last week as I went about my business, running here and there, passing others on my way, I knew that it was impossible for any of them to know this chapter of my story...


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Today, when checking out at the grocery store where I had been with my mom and younger sister, who, by the way, keeps calling me, like repeatedly throughout the last week and all day and who happens to be due YESTERDAY with her first baby, but not to tell me she's in labor rather to tell me about the cute things she has seen while out shopping...ANYWAY, after hugging my mom and little pregnant bursting sister, I told the clerk that was my little sister and how weird and exciting it is that she's going to be a mama. (SIS JUST CALLED AGAIN, but just to chat! Have my nephew already!)

Clerk: Do you have kids?

Me, thinking: Well, I lost one through miscarriage 10 years ago. I have one spectacular specimen of a human who is almost 7 years old, my sweet daughter Emily who I can't get enough of. I also have one fabulous little man named Noah, oh so handsome and perfect, that was with me for 7 short months but now resides with the Creator of the Universe. And then, another one, not sure if it was a boy or girl who was due December 25th of this year that I am currently miscarrying...yeah, today, right now...actually for the last week, to be exact...

Me, actually speaking now: I have one daughter who is almost 7. She's pretty great!

Clerk: I have a 19 and 16 year old. The 19 year old just moved out of the house.

Me: I'm sure that is exciting but was it also hard? I will be so sad when that day comes.

Clerk: It was sad for me, but thankfully she lives in town, so we still hang out.

Me: That's great! And how about your 16 year old? Is he in high school, then?

Clerk: He's a sophomore and he is trouble!

Me: Oh man, I'm sorry. That can be a rough age for some.

Clerk: He's getting a little better.

Clerk: Well, I hope your nephew comes soon! Have a good day!

Me: You too! Have a really great weekend!

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I can't explain the peace that the Lord has given me. Over the past week I took a pen and wrote my heart out in a letter to Noah regarding my feelings about the miscarriage I am currently experiencing. It was therapeutic to get it out so then I typed it in a Word document, thinking I would share it here, but it was 4.5 pages long! God has really moved in my heart regarding this last week and has shown me some interesting things I'll write at some point. Jason and I are obviously disappointed that we weren't able to tell Em that she was going to have a baby brother or sister. We wanted to tell her first so she could tell everyone else, but for reasons we do not know, this sweet child was not meant for here. For the longer version, the letter I wrote to Noah, I've included it below. Thank you all for your prayers over the last few years. I know many of you have prayed for us to be able to conceive again. I trust God with those details and if it is His will, I am not discouraged to try again...

_________________________

(This is neither the content nor the way in which I thought I’d share this news…because it wasn’t the news I thought I’d be sharing…)

(This has not been edited...it's just my heart on paper...)

Noah, I miss you. Mommy was pregnant and I have to tell you, I was excited! You see, your big sis misses you and quite honestly, she was made to be a helper and nurturer. Without you around, she gets bored and lonely sometimes. She has good friends and obviously mommy and daddy, but I now you were very special to her, little guy. Lately she’s been talking about how much she loves babies and how she’d love a little brother or sister. The problem is, I can’t make promises I can’t keep. I would love to magically snap my fingers and have a sibling appear, but I have no magical powers. I suppose trust is a bit of “magic”, and I definitely have trust. I trust God with all of me. He is smarter and bigger and I know that even thought my heart wants certain things, it doesn’t mean they line up with the bigger picture. So, in April of 2009, I found out I was pregnant. I told your daddy and he was excited! He said, “Let’s wait a little while and then let’s tell Emily first.” Well, I sort of followed that directive. I told my friend, Dr. Julie because I needed her help and support. Then I told my sweet friend, Pearl’s mommy, because I knew she wouldn’t leak the info and that she’d pray for me and that sweet baby. And then, I told your Auntie Danar. Looking back, part of me wishes I hadn’t told her, not because she’s a leaker because she’s not, but because she is pregnant with your cousin. It’s actually why I told her because she told me she was pregnant while we were in NYC on our 40 mile walk, and because never in a million years did I dream that I’d be pregnant at the same time as my little sister. So, for me, Noah, it was an honor to share even just a few weeks of pregnancy with her. Anyway, buddy, I’m not sure how it works or if you two have met, but I had a miscarriage before I had Emily. One day I started to have a little spotting and then that very same day daddy took mommy to the hospital and we lost a sweet little baby we never got to meet. Em later decided that was her big sister Rosie…I figured it was fine for her own heart to decide who that was. Well, having Emily and then you has taught me so much about “treasure”. So, when I found out I was pregnant, after much prayer and a lot of time (almost 4 years since I had been pregnant with you) I was at peace and hopeful for whatever was in store…even if it wasn’t my ideal scenario…whatever the heck that is, right?! Well, I want you to know, I prayed for the sweet baby in my belly. Daddy and I thanked God for the blessing of pregnancy and prayed for your little brother or sister, that they would be a lover of God and a follower of Him all of its days. Even though I hadn’t gained one pound, I held my belly at night when I went to bed and thanked God for whatever His will was. Now, let me back up a minute because there is something even richer you must know about my God and how very in love with me He is…

10 years ago or so, I went to a women’s conference where a Jewish Rabbi shared about the feasts of the Jews and how the line up with the gestation of a baby. I was fascinated! I don’t know where my notes are from that day but I said to the Lord that it would be my desire to have a child during the feasts of the Jews. He knew. I hadn’t stopped thinking of that but then, when you died, I also thought it would be redemptive to have a January baby. And then, I just laughed at myself because, really Noah, Mommy can do her part when it comes to making babies, but that’s about it…And then, of course, when I did the math, wrong mind you, your daddy wasn’t going to be in town during critical dates, dates which I thought would bring a January child. And then, I took the test…and there were two stripes. I went on the computer to calculate my due date. Well, my sweet little man, you must know how surprised I was when December 25, 2009 showed up on the screen! Only God, truly, only He could have done such a thing for my heart!! You see, the beginning of the feast in relation to the gestation of a baby starts with Passover and the final feast is the Festival of Lights, Hanukkah, and in Christendom, Christmas Day…the symbolic day the child came into the world and out into the light! Oh buddy, I couldn’t wait to shout it out and tell the world! I even brainstormed fun ways to tell Em so she could tell her grandparents and aunts and uncles. The Twitters & Facebook status one-liners were flying through my head as to how to tell people we don’t really know but that we love and who have loved us and prayed for us over the years…all because of your sweet life, Noah. Want to hear some of Mommy’s silliness?

Adrienne Graves:…is curious if anyone has any geriatric maternity clothes she could borrow?

…saw two stripes…

…is feeling a little sickish but it’s not even morning…

…snuck and found out her Christmas present…can you guess what she’ll get?

…will be 56 at her kid’s high school graduation…you do the math!

…went and got herself ‘knocked-up’!

…is in the family way.

…never thought she’d be pregnant at 16 years of marriage! She could have her own built in babysitter by now!

Well, then I started spotting. Many women I know have spotted throughout their pregnancies, but still, in the back of my mind, miscarriage lingered. I told the Lord that I trusted Him but that I wasn’t keen on the idea of losing another kid but that if the child was not meant for here, I trusted Him. The spotting lasted all through the weekend and into the early week, and then, it started getting more intense, coupled with cramping. I called my Ob who I had hoped to avoid until around week 36 (kidding) and got an appt for Tuesday. So, yes, little man, what I knew was happening was taking place over Mother’s Day weekend. Some might find that crappy but it helped me treasure my moments with your sister and truly be thankful for what I have. I recognized about 3 of the girls in the office. They all loved your sis when she’d come to yours and my appts. We headed back to the ultrasound room and waited for Mommy’s sweet doc. That’s a story for another day, Noah, but God introduced us for some reason, on an airplane (Mommy talks to strangers on airplanes) before I was even pregnant with you. He is a part of this beautiful story…Well, after “Hi’s!” and him telling us he was proud of us for even trying again, He said, let’s take a look. I said, “Before we proceed with an ultrasound, we don’t have any money or insurance…do you happen to have any charitable donations today?!” Hey, it can’t hurt to ask! I just Praise GOD that we had great insurance while you were with us, Noah!

The scene before me was as I suspected. Doc said, “There’s a yolk sack, and that right there looks embryonic, but it doesn’t look right…and there’s no heart or heart beat. You are right, you’re having a miscarriage.” He said he was sorry, that we could spend a few thousand dollars to analyze the tissue to see what was wrong with it but that what it would confirm is that something was not right so my body was miscarrying. He also knew it wouldn’t have mattered, that I would have had that kid either way, so he encouraged me to head home to rest and let my body do what it had already begun doing. I asked if it was because I had ‘old eggs’. He said that 1 in 3 pregnancies over 35 end in miscarriage. I said, “So, does that mean I have to try 2 more times?” He looked at your daddy and said, “I hope you try a lot more than that!” He’s silly. I said to Doc, “God has designed our bodies in a way to naturally miscarry, and this one wasn’t meant for here.” I said, “We always wanted 2-4 kids…now we have 4, only one at home…I just thought more would be here and not there…” Then I asked the doc if he would deliver my next kid. He said, “If it’s before 6:00 pm! Actually, I stopped taking call 2 years ago…but I’ll deliver yours.” I said, “That’s good since you were fishing when Noah was born!”

So, buddy, long story longer, I can’t begin to describe the peace and hope I have in my heart. I am popping the pain med and trudging through this very painful and uncomfortable step, but I’m not discouraged. Your little brother or sister wasn’t made for here. I’m not going to lie that I, along with your daddy, big sis, and your whole cheering section would love one to ‘stick’. I have learned to be content with much and with little.

And to think that god would bless my heart to show me His love by allowing me the privilege of being pregnant during the feasts, even if my Christmas morning will look differently than I dreamed, well, that just blows me away! I mean, I could have been due anytime and been grateful! He gives us the desires of our hearts sometimes, but it doesn’t mean those line up with His more perfect will. I trust Him.

One last note, did you know that your Mommy feels honored to have been pregnant at the same time as some of the most amazing women that walk this earth? It’s true! Their love for the Lord and their families is inspiring…and I was among them for a short time: DBF, KS, HJC, LC, MD, RG, VH, CB, AAB, to name a few. They did not know, but watching their journeys encouraged my heart.

So buddy, that is the story. Eventually I will share this with Em, but since we hadn’t even told her the good news yet, it’s hard to start with the bad! I will trust God to show me when to share with her and I’ll trust Him to give me the words to speak. She already knows I had one before she was born…it just stinks to have to add to her list of siblings in Heaven!

Just writing this was therapeutic for my heart! Even though part of me wanted to quietly go about this, another part felt strongly to encourage any one else out there on a similar portion of the journey to know you are not alone. I am so sorry for your disappointment and loss! I pray that your heart’s would heal and that you, too, would find hope by trusting God. I know it seems crappy and unfair but if we’d stop measuring our circumstances to some invisible standard of what “she” or “they” have and trust in a more beautiful perspective then loss and grief and suffering will look differently. In light of why I exist, suffering, loss, and grief were some of the key ingredients to why I am able to live by grace…Jesus endured all those things, along with those who loved and followed Him but instead of ending in tragedy it opened the door to hope.

Changes coming...Part 2

Meanwhile, another big change that is coming soon is a radio show that I hope to launch the first week of June with my co-host, Gina Johnson, a spunky 20-something that will help keep this old lady lively! We'll tackle all kinds of topics and we have a line up of guests and regular cast members that is sure to please, including Emily as "Little Kid"...since that's what she is! More details to come, but we've been talking to the producer and are in the branding/advertising/sponsorship phase. Because it's an on-line station, we can literally have advertisers anywhere in the world, so, if you are interested in sponsoring the show as a financial investment or even philanthropically, or if you want to advertise your service or business to a broader audience via the show and our up-coming web page, please let me know at adexoxox@gmail.com We'll be happy to send you information. We are excited because we've decided that a portion of what our show receives beyond the cost to produce will go to a charity that we all as hosts and listeners will sponsor. As a team, I know we can work together and make a great impact!

"The Well" radio show will air weekly for one hour, live, at the lunch hour, 12:00 - 1:00pm MST, on Thursdays at www.castlerockradio.com . The content will be rich! It's a show on digging deeper for perspective in our lives, championing that each of us, EVERY ONE OF US, has a story to tell, and WE ARE ALL A BIG DEAL because God made us. I'm sorry, but I get so tired of only a few in Hollywood being seen as Big Deals when, if we would just look around us, or in the mirror, and see what God sees, we'd realize we are all special! (I get a bit passionate about this!) We will talk candidly about many topics, including the hard ones, and hope to raise awareness of many issues. We would want to hear input about topics you would like to hear. It won't be a Christian show, per se, as we hope to reach a broad audience, but we won't deny or candy coat our faith. We are excited about the line up of guests that we'll have on to encourage and inspire anyone listening, with some surprises that many of you out there will recognize from 'Blog World'. More changes to come...like, a lot more...

The Well at Red Rocks

Ladies, if you live locally and have the evening free, I invite you to "The Well" tonight! My mom is in town and will be sharing. I am pretty biased, obviously, but my mom ROCKS, for so many reasons! But, one of my favorite reasons is because of her heart for the Lord. You can click here to learn more about "The Well" and for directions. If you need a 'refill' or are just feeling dry, I would encourage you to take this opportunity to be refreshed.

Happy Mother's Day weekend!

For all the moms out there...YOU ROCK! But, only one of us can be the best! I am totally kidding! A reader sent me this! Insert your name because YOU are the Mom of the YEAR! Love to you! xoxox

Priorities...

So, I got an email from someone asking me a few questions about priorities, balance and the quality and quantity time I spend with Emily. As I pondered it, I realize that as I look back on my time as a blogger, most of the times that I have been "absent, distant, or neglectful" of this blog, I have been "mindful, playful, engaged and interacting" with my real live kid...and personally, when all is said and done, even though this blog will be a keepsake for her to look back on, I PRAY that her memories of us laughing from hours of tickling, playing in the dirt, snuggling, reading books, creating artistic things and going on adventures will be the true treasures she carries in her heart...not that I kept up on a blog. Sure I'd like her to remember that her mom made yummy, healthy meals and treats, kept a fairly clean house and showered regularly, but if that is ALL she remembers, I will have failed as a mama...I want her to be confident that I did my best, that I loved her to the fullest, that I made mistakes but they weren't fatal, and that I lived life one day at a time with joy in my heart, striving to give God the glory with every imperfection that I have.

...Just some thoughts running through my head today...